"Gossip Girl" -- Scary teens

Halloween came early this year, in the form of new nighttime teen soap "Gossip Girl." I was looking forward to vicariously reliving my high school years through the eyes of super-rich, gorgeous Manhattan kids with no scruples. Ok, the CW network delivered all that, but like my first boyfriend and most gay pride celebrations, it wasn't nearly as much fun as I'd anticipated.

According to "Gossip Girl," modern high school life is a totalitarian spy state. The show is narrated by an unseen character who keeps a blog called "Gossip Girl." You subscribe to the blog through your cell phone, getting updates on what's going on with your fellow students every few minutes. The intel comes from every student in school. Like, if another student goes to brunch wearing the same outfit he had on the night before, some fellow student will spot him, text Gossip Girl, and she'll spread the word to everyone in school. Every time someone enters a party or hooks up with someone else's girlfriend or wears the wrong scarf, a dozen Sidekicks flip open to report a sighting to Gossip Girl. The Soviet KGB wasn't as efficient in monitoring its police state.

If Gossip Girl had a sense of levity, the show wouldn't be so grim. She does have a sense of humor, it's just darker than Central Park bushes at night (not that I would know). The unseen narrator, voiced very well by "Veronica Mars" star Kristen Bell, reads blog entries like, "Spotted at the Madison Hotel: S (Serena) and B (Blair) having a heart-to-heart. That is, if B has a heart," and “Spotted on the steps of the Met, an S-and-B power struggle. Did B think S would go down without a fight?” Wait a minute. Are these kids in high school or Fight Club?

Those blog readings are the funnest, freshest part of the show. The kids by themselves are just plain depressing. This exchange from the pilot episode says it all:

Nate: Do you ever feel like our whole lives have been planned out for us? That we're just gonna end up like our parents?
Chuck: Man, that's a dark thought.
Nate: Aren't we entitled to choose? Just to be happy?
Chuck: Look, easy, Socrates. What we're entitled to is a trust fund. Maybe a house in the Hamptons, a prescription drug problem. But happiness does not seem to be on the menu. So smoke up and seal the deal with Blair, 'cause you're also entitled to tap that ass.

And I'm entitled to watch an old DVD of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer