Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer: Caught in Santa's Gay Headlights
Maybe it was the pomegranate martinis, but when some friends and I decided to watch "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" recently to shake off this case of the holiday blues everyone seems to have this year, I made a startling discovery: the North Pole of this beloved Christmas classic is a parellel universe where everyone is, in fact, gay.
Seriously. It's like Fire Island there. And while I've heard cases made for "Rudolph" actually being an allegory for coming-out, and therefore positing that Rudolph is the one who is gay (shiny nose, outcast, etc), I'm here to say that Rudolph is in fact straight (he does, after all, fall for Clarice) and it's everyone else who gay. He is the misfit because he's not gay. How progressive!
For starters, there's Charlie in the Box: biggest queen in holiday cartoon history. Not just because he has the gayest voice ever, but have you seen his over the top meltdown at not being rescued off the Island of Misfit Toys?
Yukon Cornelius: A huge, flannel-clad hairy bearded "loner" survivalist befriends a young blonde dentist-in-the-making and his pal Rudolph. And he can't stop seductively lickin' his pick.
Hermey the Dentist: It may have been a bit too aggresssive at the time for the writers to have made Hermey a wanna-be fashion designer, so they opted for the more safe occupation of dentist. Whatever. The point is that he self-identified at an early age. (BTW, he is NOT voiced by Paul Lynde, as many people seem to think; interesting, isn't it, that generation of Americans have made this association based on their subconscious assumption that Hermey is gay).
Head Elf: The blustery, anal elf has little time for Hermey's passion for dentristry, and gets his panties in a twist when the assembly line is disrupted. He shows a softer side by conducting the Elves' chorus, but is clearly a perfectionist. (And maybe he wouldn't have gotten so irritated if Hermey had wanted to be a stylist?)
Elves: Three words: gay men's choir.
Fireball: Aside from the name, this little reindeer is the only one with blonde hair. He decides to test Rudolph's leanings but encouraging him to go after that little minx, Clarice. Turns out Fireball's gaydar was right - Rudolph plays for the other team (and he's not allowed to play in their reindeer games...)
Santa: What other Santa actually loses weight in the off-season? And his marriage to Mrs. Clause really doesn't seem that fulfilling. My hunch is he and Head Elf had a falling out years ago, and that's why the air is so charged when these two are in the same room.
And finally, the rest of the misfit toys, banished for being different. Rudolph, Santa and the crew come to rescue them in an effort that should make gay rights advocates everywhere stand up and cheer.
So do yourself a favor: pour yourself some Egg Nog or some other yummy hot toddy, curl up and watch "Rudolph" with your gaydar turned on. Not only will it get you in the holiday spirit, you'll feel good knowing that since 1964, children everywhere around the world have unknowingly watched the gayest Christmas story ever. Cheers!
Image courtesy Amazon
Gurl, u need to lay off the pom tinis!!! LOL!!!
Posted by: luvbottoms07 | December 18, 2007 at 02:26 PM
Gurl, u need to lay off the pom tinis!!! LOL!!!
Posted by: luvbottoms07 | December 18, 2007 at 02:27 PM
Gurl, u need to lay off the pom tinis!!! LOL!!!
Posted by: luvbottoms07 | December 18, 2007 at 02:27 PM
Gurl, u need to lay off the pom tinis!!! LOL!!!
Posted by: luvbottoms07 | December 18, 2007 at 02:27 PM
Actually, funny thing I thought the exact same way when I watched it broadcasted on ABC this year. I had Yukon pegged for a "Bear" and Hermey the blondey for the lil ttle twink the bear wants, lol, and that they were all missfits. I thouhgt it was pretty funny and had my whole family in hysterics explaining it they kind of agreed lol, funny stuff!!
Posted by: Anthony | December 18, 2007 at 04:30 PM
Not sure why you people have to try to ruin a family classic like this and make it a "gay thing." First of all, it is to wholesome of a production to have anything at all to do with gay men. Not a concept many can, nor care to, understand. The characters in this program were way too nice to one another to be gay. Remember, gay men feel obligated to treat each other poorly (and I am being kind).
Hope everyone enjoyed my little commentary. Enjoy.
Posted by: realistic1 | December 18, 2007 at 05:15 PM
You poor pathetic prat. Obviously somebody stole your holiday spirit. I hope you aren't this crabby the rest of the year or is it just that giant chip on your shoulder
Posted by: Lynnie | December 18, 2007 at 09:54 PM
Funny thing about Cornelius - when a Bear friend of mine died a few years back, everyone was allowed to take one item from his effects, and I inherited the Cornelius - who was always my favourite character on the show...foreshadowing? ;)
Posted by: Tim | December 18, 2007 at 10:21 PM
I watched this film every holiday when I was younger, before the days of home video on demand... I did not realize I was gay until I was much older... But looking back, I think I had inexplicable gay feelings towards Rudolph in this film... I only realized it much later, but I think this was my first gay film! So, like any text, it has everything to do with the viewer, and is no less "wholesome family entertainment" than ever, but I really think there is a gay overtone.
Posted by: New Brunswick Guy | December 19, 2007 at 09:08 AM
"Not sure why you people have to try to ruin a family classic like this and make it a 'gay thing.' First of all, it is to wholesome of a production to have anything at all to do with gay men."
Anthony, I think you're lost. Perhaps you were looking for IHateGays.com or SelfLoathingGay.com? Making something gay "ruins" it, eh? Besmirches its otherwise straight "wholesomeness?" Of course, because straight people are just naturally so much better, and we should all try to preserve the perfect, pure society that they built all on their lonesome.
We're "obliged" to treat each other badly? Sounds to me like you've just had exceptionally poor taste in gay friends-- or you've just *been* an exceptionaly bad gay friend and gotten your knuckles rapped for it-- because my close circle (mostly- but not exclusively- gay) has always been kind and supportive, while I know plenty of straight people to whom "two-faced" doesn't even begin to describe how insincere and underhanded they are in their dealings with their friends.
If you want to worship at the altar of heteronormativity, you should get your bitter ass offline and go find some poor woman, make her as miserable as you come off to be. It's a shame, though, that you've been so thoroughly duped into thinking that they're 'better.' Self-loathing is so sixty years ago.
Posted by: imperator_1 | December 19, 2007 at 10:46 AM
I agree with much of what imperator says, in theory, though, in my INDIVIDUAL case, it's been mainly gay people who've been snide and unsupportive and straight people who've been kind (for example, not ONE straight friend said to me: 'You're not gay. You don't act gay.' to me, and I can't count the number of 'community members' who did...). Not exclusively, though, and I wouldn't want to generalize...the Bears have been very nice...reinforcing my Cornelius crush. :)
Posted by: Tim | December 19, 2007 at 10:36 PM
What the heck? You can find gay-isms in almost anything but why is it that we feel picking apart a classic family movie?
Posted by: Zman | December 20, 2007 at 01:48 AM
I read your story yesterday-- I wanted to Thank You, it brought me some holiday cheer.
Posted by: jayjayls1 | December 20, 2007 at 08:49 AM
Perfect. We are actually watching it now. We started noticing the gay agenda and decided to google it. We found your blog. It is in fact one of the gayest films EVER made even considering some of the modern movies that are out.
P.S. I love Christmas anyways!
Posted by: Kevin | November 07, 2008 at 09:35 PM